Hardships, hikes, and sewing machines: Yes, I'm still alive

I’m sure you all may be thinking that…. I apologize for it being so long between blog entries. Fortunately the few people who read these are close family/friends thus knowing I haven’t been swallowed by a python or have fallen down the chimbudzi (pit latrine). I wish I could say “I’ve been having so much fun that I haven’t had a chance to blog!” however, unfortunately, that’s not quite the case. Coming to Malawi and beginning blogging, I’ve been resistant to write about my troubles, but alas this is part of my service and it’s silly to pretend it doesn’t exist. So here goes...

When I was a first year volunteer, I heard so many times “The one year mark is the hardest and most challenging.” Having worked through a rough patch this past November, I pretentiously thought that I was in the clear….I was wrong. The last month and a half here has been the hardest part of my service by far, trying my best to refocus myself and continue with my service and projects. In short, the following have been a few of the things I’ve been struggling with: cultural differences weighing on me (such as, “Where do I fit?” “Where does my culture fit into my service?” “Do my morals matter when I have to submit to the culture?” etc.), being the only white person in my village (and the expectations that go along with that), transport being a challenge (it stresses me out), the rising costs of living (food goods, transport, household items), health issues with Peter (I’ll expand later), just to name a few. 

For a moment I digress. Throughout my entire service I’ve imagined my experience here being similar to a roller coaster ride. Some days/weeks/months are amazing, full of exciting experiences and progress. Others can leave me wondering “What’s the point of my being here?” and “Am I making any difference.” As I’ve experienced (and continually tell myself) I have to hang on through the rough times because an awesome thrill is just around the corner. Although the toughest times to remember such things is when it feels like it’s the worst. Even though I’ve been struggling with the above listed things, keeping a clear mind and hopes for better times has felt like a brick wall. It seemed like the good times would never come. If I’m honest, I’m still struggling a little bit being here but I know it will pass and beautiful things are just around the corner.

I struggled (and still do) to figure out where I fit within Malawian culture. Will I ever blend in, be accepted? It became apparent quite quickly to me when I arrived in Bwanje, Ntcheu that I will never fit in simply because of the color of my skin. In general, Malawians expect things from “mazungu” (white people/travelers) in money or goods, and thus despite my effort to live at the village level, the Malawians around me will always see me as being rich.

I also struggled with my morals when it came down to some very sick puppies in my compound who were born with distemper. Briefly, distemper is a virus which can affect any dog, usually passed on through the genes from the mother. My Malawian dog, Chule, was a distemper puppy and suffered from developmental problems. He’s grown out of it, and is doing a great job at terrorizing chickens and goats. The other kind of distemper is neurological, which puppies will not outgrow. They walk around as if they are drunk, have poor vision, struggle to control their legs, and have a hard time grooming themselves (to name a few symptoms that I ones I’ve noticed first hand). When two neurological distemper pups were born in my compound my first thought was that I need to put them down. I spoke with my neighbor and she wouldn’t to allow me to take them because she had promised them to friends. I tried my best to explain that they are very sick and will always have problems. She still refused. 

My first thought was “I don’t care, I’m going to take them to Lilongwe to put them down.” I knew what was best in the long run for these puppies and felt angry that my neighbor couldn’t see how I was trying to help. Instead, she thought I was going to sell the puppies for profit. I struggled with this for a few days, knowing what I wanted to do but not sure that it was the best choice in regards to my relationships with my neighbors. A long conversation with my dad, tears involved, and I came to the conclusion that I must respect Malawian culture first, my morals come second. I had never been faced with that before, and I still didn’t feel settled about it. As it turned out, I had permission to take the female pup (the brother is still around here) and put her to sleep. What a challenging day…yet I knew it was the best for her. 

A good point my dad made was that sometimes people need to see or experience things for themselves to really understand or learn from them. For example, I’ve cooked along side people before but I’d never really understood cooking until I had to do it for myself here. I’m no pro, but I do manage to feed myself :) Toodles, her brother, is still around here and his condition remains the same: not improving. 

Mt. Mulanje

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At the end of May, I had the opportunity for a happy getaway with a friend of mine down south to Mt. Mulanje. I felt like I could breathe and relax, not having to worry about things in the village that were getting to me (lack of vegetable produce, having to start fires for food, etc.). Peter was able to come with and we had a great time hiking and enjoying the scenery. If any of you make it to Malawi, you must go to Mulanje, it’s absolutely stunning. I could not get over how large and beautiful it was! I have hopes and tentative plans to climb it before I leave next year, to look over the landscape of my Malawi and take in all the scenery.

Around this time, Peter had a suspicious lump growing in his cheek. The love I have for this dog makes other people wonder about me, but that’s fine...you’ve gotta shake people up once in a while, right?! I had him neutered the end of April and everything went well. During that time I noticed the growth in his right cheek and took him to the vet to have it removed. Her determination was that it was a tumor… Wait, what?! I was shocked, figuring at just over a year old he was healthy and I wouldn’t have to worry about anything remotely similar for years down the road. Being that there is no way to test animal tissue samples in Malawi, we have yet to determine if it was malignant or benign. 

Peter taking a break. Mt. Mulanje, Malawi

I wanted to do everything possible to help him, realizing without having Peter during my service it would not be the same. The lack of medical testing for him was nothing I could change, which made me feel even more helpless and defeated in the situation. And in all honesty, I considered if his condition got worse if I would ET (Early Terminate) my Peace Corps service and take him home. I can’t imagine being here without Peter (which, yes, is the love I have for him that people think I’m crazy for). A few weeks later and he seems to be in the clear now, although I’m keeping an eye on everything and hoping for the best!

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The beginning of this month Evelyn, my counterpart and best friend in the village, left Bwanje for a few weeks to stay in Blantyre where her family lives. It came as a shock to me, being that she told me after she’d already left… Who else would I talk to for hours on end? Who was I to do the Women’s Group with? I don’t speak enough Chichewa to explain everything and no other woman in the group has showed an interest in leading it. With her absence, I realized how much of a friend she is and how I enjoyed biking in to town and simply sitting and chatting and laughing with her. I’m still waiting for her to return so we can continue our meetings,while in the mean time trying to do what I can with my language barrier and the regular ladies. The show must go on….

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Still in a bit if a slump (mid June), I made some plans to head to some fellow PCVs sites, Tom and Colin, who were in the same group coming into Malawi last year. I always enjoy seeing others volunteers sites because we all do things different and it’s fun to get new ideas for my house, new cooking techniques, and more. I traveled up to Lilongwe two days before I was to head to Kasungu (their boma, or town) having a heck of a time getting a ride due to the dire fuel shortages right now. I waited two hours for a hitch with Peter, feeling relieved once I was picked up and on my way. About 45 minutes into the ride, while driving through a market area, a drunk guy crossed in the road and when we honked the horn he ran in front of the car, hitting him. I was mortified! We turned back around to find him with a severely broken leg and took him immediately to the hospital, about 5km back down the road.

I’ve only heard of such things happening, never actually being in the car to experiencing it. A big problem here is that market areas (selling food, clothing, etc.) are often times built right along the road/highway and stays busy with buyers and sellers. More often than not you will watch people walk into the road without looking either direction to see if a vehicle is coming. Not only people, but goats, dogs, chickens, cows and more don’t respect the road as they should with cars coming down at 100km/hr or more. It is horrifying hitting a person and not knowing if they are going to be okay. When we arrived at the hospital he appeared incoherent but still alive. I’m not sure what has happened with him, as I had to move on my way to get to Lilongwe to prevent getting wrapped up with the police here or getting caught traveling after dark (which is even more of a hazard).

Unable to hitch I settled for a minibus. I was on the verge of tears, not sure how to handle myself after having seen a man get hit and wanting nothing more to be in Lilongwe and off public transport. If you’ve read any of my other blogs, minibuses are definitely not my favored mode of transport. But sitting at 2pm, I had to get to the city as quick as possible before sunset. So I piled in the front seat to share with another guy there, my bag between my legs and Peter (20kg+) on my lap. I’m so happy that he’s very relaxed in cars! A friend offered to pick me up in Dedza, about half way between where I got on the minibus (Ntcheu boma) and Lilongwe, and I felt so relieved. But icing on the cake, as we neared Dedza, was hitting a baby goat that didn’t make it across the road in time while following mama. All I could think was “are you KIDDING ME?!” I had hit my limit with public transport, never wanting to go anywhere again….except, of course, to see Tom and Colin in the following days. Peace Corps would be too easy with a car.

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Colin in Kasungu, Malawi

Visiting Colin’s site and then Tom’s a few days later was a great time. I froze my toes off, though, not at all prepared for the cold weather at their homes. Hard to believe, being that hot season I can’t stop sweating...or complaining for that matter. I learned new ways to cook soya pieces, restored my faith in Royco (a seasoning you can use to make a stew-type of meal), and how to make a cream curry sauce (a-mazing!). It was a blast to catch up with friends and to see them at work in their villages.

Colin and Tom, in front of Tom's house

I went back to Lilongwe with a cold virus in tow. It didn’t seem like anything profound, just one of those you can’t shake. But the few days in Lilongwe gave me a chance to catch up on things, making more plans as well as checking out places for when my parents come to visit in September (WOOHOOOOOO!!!!!!!). Having Peter there as well made it harder for me to leave, knowing I had everything I really wanted there…. It’s hard to leave electricity and running water as well!

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Remember how I used the roller coaster analogy? Well, in the last few weeks I’ve wondered if my roller coaster is just coming to a stop and wont peak again. But all  of this manages to prove me wrong eventually. With the suggestion and help of a friend, I now have a sewing machine at my house! No, I don’t have electricity. It’s an old school pedal machine that I never, ever imagined myself working on. Fortunately I grew up learning on an old Singer (thanks mom!) so I was somewhat familiar with the new-old machine. After getting it calibrated, oiled, bolts tightened….I was off like a maniac! I’m happy to have had the opportunity to experience hand sewing to appreciate the amount of time it takes to create something, but I couldn’t be happier to have a machine in my own house! Already I’ve made a table runner, six placemats, and a bandana, with many more to come including quilts. I’ve made a deal with myself to complete the current quilt I’m on by hand, and then I’ll pick up the pace with the machine. What a joy and permanent grin I have on my face :)

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Current quilt that is all hand sewn

I know the new sewing machine will not fix things in my service, but it’s the simple joys one must take with a whole shaker of salt here. I have 9 months left of my service and I must make the best of it. In the works I have a dental hygiene trainging for the month of October (keep sending those toothbrushes my way!), continued work with my Women’s Group, an HIV/AIDS Youth Awareness Day in Ntcheu boma, and prospects of volunteering at my local health clinic.

I don’t know how this thing called life is supposed to go, or how to fix things when they go wrong. I simply have to take it day by day. My recently found interest/passion in yoga keeps me busy and strong, while encouraging my personal journey with myself as an added bonus. I’m so grateful to have this time in my life to experience another culture, live in another country, and be able to nurture my personal growth in relation to all of it. I will never be the same, now or any time in life, but especially from having the opportunity to experience Malawi with all it’s many faces.

I will keep my head high, my fingers away from the pounding needle, and my efforts moving forward for change. All of your unconditional support does more for me here than you can ever imagine, so please keep it coming :) i mean it when I say I couldnt do it without you. A new dawn, a new day. It is always our duty to make the best of it.

Beautiful Chombe Tea estates. Mulanje, Malawi

Awesome secondhand shirt supporting the Buffs! Kasungu, Malawi

Awesome African trees. Kasungu, Malawi

Hard Lesson Learned

While in high school I developed a unique soft spot for animals. I felt more passionate about animal rights compared to human rights simply based on the fact that animals don’t have a voice - they can’t tell us when things are wrong or when they need help. Coming to Malawi and seeing how animals are treated initially struck me as very sad and I had a strong desire to do whatever I could to help them. Quickly I learned that majority of animals here (cows, goats, chickens, ducks, pigs, and the like) are all used for sustenance for Malawians. That knowledge didn’t prevent me from crying during my training when 11 of us slaughtered a chicken as part of a learning how prepare for cooking. I’ve grown a lot since then and seeing a goat or pig carcass in the market don’t phase me anymore.

Fortunately, dog is never on the menu. Instead, dogs are used as a means of protection or security at peoples houses, meant to be a warning for when people or other animals are approaching the house. Even still dogs here are not treated with the same amount of respect as Americans give them. Rocks are thrown at them as a means of teaching methods to stay away from people or eating things (same goes for goats and pigs). I don’t agree with it, obviously, but Malawians have been doing it for years and who am I to come in and try to change their minds?

As I’m sure many of you have been able to gather (based on all my chit chat about Peter and other pups around the house), I am a huge animal lover. I live in a compound area where three dogs (two female, one male) were living before my arrival. In the time that I’ve been here I’ve had the privilege of witnessing four litters of puppies, amounting to a total of 16 pups, 13 of which I assume are around Bwanje. Dogs are not fed like a part of the family here, often times leading to severe malnutrition of the mothers and often times resulting in an unhealthy litter. 

I’ve become quite familiar with something called distemper, a virus passed from mother to pup or between dogs which is (fortunately) not very common the the states. I’ve seen two degrees of distemper, one being a slow growth process for the dog and other being neurological damage. My pup Chule (choo-lay, or “frog” in Chichewa), had the developmental form of distemper, making for a long growing up process but otherwise he has matured successfully. I’ve seen one other dog with that level of the condition, and gave him to my counterpart for a good home. Currently, there are two neurological distemper puppies around my house which is where the hard lesson as been learned.

I’ve realized quickly that these two puppies, Toodles and Wendy (I’m on some sort of Peter Pan/Hook naming kick I think), that there will always be a form of retardation that they will not outgrow. In the states this might be less of an issue, but in a culture where throwing rocks at dogs is acceptable these dogs will not survive. The problem is they can’t learn, their brains do not function in a way that they understand “punishment” or “training” by rocks. Unfortunately, from my inexpert option, I don’t feel they will ever outgrow it and there is no means of fixing it.

My choice for Toodles and Wendy is to euthanize them. It’s most humane, being that the 1) the life set out for them unarguably will include incomprehensible cruelty, and 2) the puppies that they will undoubtedly have some day will likely have the same condition. Bringing this up to my neighbor, who has promised Toodles to a friend, she said no, that I could not take the dog. Even after explanation (multiple times) of the disease she thinks that I want to sell the dogs to make a profit. This upset me to no end being that, obviously, I’m not at all trying to make a profit, but rather doing what I think is in the best interest of the dogs. At the time I basically said “Well, I don’t care, I’m taking it anyways” knowing that the pup will be better off.

I felt angry and upset that my neighbor could not see the good that I was trying to do for this dog, only able to think that I have some ulterior motive with the puppy. I felt a huge conflict within me realizing my morals were going against the Malawian culture, so what was I to do?  Multiple journal entries later and a long conversation with my parents, I began to see it all a different way.

I came to Malawi to learn about a culture, not to change it. All that Malawians have seen of white people are how we come in and change things, encourage what we think are better ways of doing things (case in point, my garden), and more. It would be blatantly wrong of me to take the puppy without my neighbors consent, potentially causing a lot of problems being that she considers it property. But simply put, this is not my culture so who am I to come in here and do things my way? There are certain times where culture wins out over morals, and this situation is a prime example.

It is a tough thing to bite your own pride and knowingly turn over the reins when all you want to do is the right thing. It’s challenging to sit back and do nothing in a situation where you know you can make a difference. But that’s what I came here for, right? To learn about another culture, to leave mine behind and adopt a new one? It’s not easy when it comes with many hardships and tears. I strive to approach all situations as a learning experience, seeing what I can take away from it and how I might do differently next time. It’s not always easy, especially when the learning can push you beyond your comfort zone into sadness and heartbreak. But when we keep our hearts open to such things, they change who we are, and most always for the positive.

Lessons Learned

Of the many things I’ve learned being in Peace Corps Malawi a new one added to the list is humility. I used to think this was a negative atribute, being that I saw it as a person not possessing a certan degree of confidence. Instead, I’ve now come to see it as an element of confidence in the sense of being able to admit you are wrong.

All of you know about my garden and how much pride and sweat I poured into double digging, shaping the beds, surrounding it with a fence, planting seeds, replanting (and, in some cases, replanting again…). I desired so strongly to have a bumper crop that I could be proud of and call my own (being that the likelyhood of doing such a thing back in the states would be slim to none). I say that, keeping in mind, how we as Americans generally prefer landscaping to large gardens but also the lack of time, in general, most of us have for such activities.

The rainy season was a weird one this year, having the first rains only to be followed up by a dry spell, then hit with rain again. I can’t figure out if it was the timing of my planting or the seeds that I planted, but things were not growing how other peopls crops were around my house. The book I’d followed as a guide for shaping planter beds left out an important step in how to prevent soil erosion - that, or else I was too quick to read it without considering what the water would do. I’ll let you take a guess ;)

As the rains came, the beds started washing away (as my counterpart predicted when he came to my house and said “You did it wrong.”) and with the water the seeds (I’m assuming) slid did as well. I nursed the heck out of the tomato plants, staking them up in hopes they would soon resemble bright Christmas trees, ornaments substituted for juicy tomatoes. I was so desperate for sweet corn, remembering fond memories of cool summer evenings with my family and how the sweet kernels tasted as they popped in my mouth while we enjoyed dinner on the patio. I adored my four rows of carrots, wanting my grandfather to be proud of me, and hoping they might taste like his. Pumpkin, the only veggie I was indiferent about, grew whether or not I wanted it to, taking over the garden and growing through the fence and up the kitchen roof.

Let’s just say there was no bumper crop. Maybe I was distracted and missed it. Maybe it never showed up at all. But, as with everything in life, we must assess and see where a lesson can be learned. I accepted that, indeed, Malawians know how best to do certain things. They may not be able to make the best village cake in the Bwanje Valley, but sure enough they know a thing or two about gardening and raising successful crops. I have proudly clapped my hands (a sign of respect) to Malawians while understanding that a book cannot teach you how it’s done - instead, you must live it to understand what works and what doesn’t.

Today, with some hired help, we tore down the fence, discarding of the dried skeletans of tomato plants and corn stalks. The first objective was to dospose of the snake houses that undoubtably are there. The second paving the way for a new planting season come this next year where I will hire a Malawian and utilize their skills in doing one of the many things they do best (next to cooking delicious nsima and eggs!)

Humility allows us to accept we are wrong. I feel this trait is as equally important as composure, sometimes more. How often have you learned more from doing something than being told how to do it? Sometimes I feel that is the best way. However, if someone tells you not to jump off a bridge just take their word for it...not all lessons need to be learned the hard way! This was my time to learn, my time to try out a new way of gardening. I truly had a wonderful experience, the good with the bad, but next season will let the professionals take over!

"Give me my toothbrush!"

....which is what I wish the little kids here would ask me. Instead, they say "give me my money!" The "my" is not a typo; they do, indeed, ask you to give them their money...

Embarking on my second year of Peace Corps, I’m formulating ideas of projects I would like to do or work with. It’s a tough balance, though, determining what is best for the village and what they want to do compared to introducing new things that myself as a volunteer feels would highly benefit the community as a whole. For example, dental hygiene is not highly valued in the village, not necessarily because people don’t care but rather because generally they are not taught proper techniques. This is a much larger problem than one might imagine. Commonly, those in the village without proper dental hygiene often times suffer from conditions such as abscessed teeth without access to proper treatment to loss of teeth making it difficult to eat.

Therefore, I am proposing and formulating a project for this fall and I need your help! October is National Dental Hygiene Month in America and I want to celebrate it here in Malawi as well. I plan on conducting training’s on proper usage of toothbrushes and toothpaste to people in my village of Bwanje as well as surrounding area. I am requesting the following:

Toothbrushes - inexpensive samples (that you have collected from your twice yearly trip to the dentist, no doubt!) or ones purchased

Toothpaste - sample tubes of any flavor (please exclude packaging, please!) 

You might be asking “What about floss?” I think it would be great to teach flossing techniques as well, but the longevity of flossing is something I don’t foresee. First being that you cannot buy floss in the village, and second that the floss will likely be used for children's enjoyment instead. But if you would still like to send some, you are most welcome!

One question we as Peace Corps Volunteers must ask ourselves while brainstorming ideas is, “Is this project sustainable?” The answer is yes! Toothbrushes and toothpaste can be purchased in my village but can be a financial stretch for some people. My hope is that if I can show Malawians the importance and benefits of proper hygiene while giving them a toothbrush to start with, they will be more willing to continue good practices. In addition I wanted to have a project that includes the opportunity for all of you, my friends and family, to contribute.

Being that the Malawi postal service can be extremely slow, I am requesting packages to be mailed from America by July 15th, 2011 at the latest. Please know that I cannot be successful with this project without all of you back home, and any contribution you have will be so much appreciated. Even if you only have two toothbrushes to send, that is two more than I have now! My goal is 1000 toothbrushes and the equivalent of toothpaste samples. Help me to achieve this and possibly surpass it! Please ask your local dentist to participate as well! Below I will include a formal letter for you to give to them explaining my project

All donations can be sent to:

Mary Kuhlke

℅ BERDO

PO Box 4

Bwanje, Ntcheu

Malawi

AFRICA

Thank you all in advance for contributing to the education of proper dental hygiene practices! All the best!

Please click this link for a formal letter. Thank you!

This is a girl in my village who cracks me up
but is also in serious need of a toothbrush!